I was born and raised in Russia, in a big city. I got a college degree and worked for a few years, without achieving much success. After not being successful in my career I decided to focus on my personal life.

When I was 28, I married a foreigner. We lived in Russia for a few years and started a family. When our kids were a little older, we moved to my husband's country. We started living in a tiny town (a village, actually). At first, I was delighted with the change in my life! I thought I was in a fairy tale: marvelous medieval architecture, castles, towns with thousands of years of history, silence and cleanliness.

Over time, it became obvious that life in a village actually meant living in a village. There was nowhere to go, no one to socialize with, nothing going on. In Russia, on the other hand, I regularly attended theaters, exhibitions, concerts, and had many friends. Gradually, the locals began to treat me as a third-class person. They wouldn't let me into their inner circle, and whenever they had the chance, they would let me know that I just did not belong. Tired of being financially dependent on my husband, I tried to find a job, but without success. My education and experience were not worth much there; I was getting rejected time after time. I did not want to wash floors in a supermarket, or to clean hotel rooms. The only thing left for me was my home, but even there things were not going well.

It was as if the children did not view me as an authority figure. I had no influence on them, we fought all the time, they were rude and disobeyed me; I often snapped... At the same time, they spent most of their time with me - my husband worked a lot. Housekeeping was also entirely on me; there were no relatives around, and I needed help. My relationships with my husband became worse; I started seeing a lot of flaws in him, which I did not want to put up with. I did not understand him; it felt like we had become strangers. At times, I was filled with resentment, rage, and anger that had no outlet. However, I didn't want to express my unhappiness in any way, or to confront him.

During the covid lockdowns, I found myself in a foreign, unfriendly country. I was desperate, exhausted, unhappy and nervous, locked up at home with two children. I felt that I had made a mistake by leaving Russia, that I had chosen the wrong partner, that I was a failure in everything, a bad mother, a bad daughter (the only child who went away and left her parents back home), a career failure, that I was a worthless person in general. Thinking about it all the time drove me into depression. I wasn't sure of anything, and certainly not of myself. I couldn't make even the simplest decisions, and if I did make a choice or decide something, I was never happy with my decision. I didn't know what was right or wrong anymore. I scolded myself for everything I did and didn't do: words I said, mistakes I made... I constantly worried about what was happening at the moment and what might happen in the future. At night I often woke up, full of fear and anxiety, my heart beating frantically, and could not sleep anymore. My mind was spinning with thoughts about how I had ruined my life, and I did not see how I could get out of my hopelessness and despair. Nights were hard, but my days were no better. I stayed at home, taking care of the children and doing endless chores, without a chance to socialize.

Several times the idea of consulting a psychologist crossed my mind. I began to look for possible options on the Internet and saw that it was possible to start counseling online. I chose Ekaterina because I had a good feeling about her. I liked her website, where all the necessary information was presented, including her personal history. I got the impression that she was an experienced, competent professional with good education. In addition to that, she positioned herself as a Russian-speaking psychologist abroad, which meant that she worked with people like me who may be in similar situations.

But even after deciding to try online counseling, I did not reach out to Ekaterina for a long time. I still had doubts about whether I was doing the right thing. I did not know how I would be able to trust a complete stranger and tell her something about myself, even online. I was full of doubts and felt unsure. But at some point I felt so bad that I pulled myself together and finally made an appointment for counseling.

At first, I thought that we should find the cause of my condition as soon as possible, work through it and everything would get better. I wanted a quick fix. At the same time, I was afraid that the psychologist would start urging me to take drastic actions, to make big changes in my life, which I was not ready for. Instead, during the first meetings we just talked, and then I received links to various articles and materials that explained what was happening to me from different perspectives. Ekaterina was constantly asking me questions: about how I feel, about what I want, about what “good” means for me? I didn't quite understand what she expected from me, and for a while I didn't see any changes at all.

It seemed unusual that I was not always required to share the results of my reflections. Little by little, I realized that I needed the answers to some important questions first. As I noticed later, we began each meeting discussing what was bothering me the most at that time. We were trying to figure out what I was worrying about at that moment, and then going deeper, as if untying the knots of my problems.
Gradually, I began to get out of the vicious cycle of negative thoughts. It turned out that I could think about many things, not just about how bad my life was. For example, I could think about who I actually was? What kind of person? How did I feel about myself and everything else? What was important to me?

It became clear that I had a lot of misconceptions and limiting beliefs which had roots in my childhood and life experiences. I gradually became aware of them, and Ekaterina helped me change them. It felt like weeding, where weeds were being pulled out of the flower bed, over and over again. We removed them, and at the same time “fertilized the soil” with the necessary materials, articles, books and movies.

I realized that I had always been overly demanding of myself and others, intolerant about my own and other’s shortcomings. I wanted everything and everyone to conform to certain ideals. In addition, I was completely unable to communicate with people effectively, to express unhappiness, or ask for help. I did not trust anyone and did not let anyone see the real me. I had no idea what real human intimacy was. I was suppressing and ignoring my feelings. I preferred to trust someone else's opinion instead of making my own choices and decisions.

At some point there was a period of relief, but still I was going from one extreme to another: one day I would start feeling better, but then my mood would change to gloomy and dark again.

But what I particularly liked about my conversations with Ekaterina was that whenever before our meeting I was in an agitated and unbalanced state of mind, during the conversation all of that went away and I would calm down. These were truly therapeutic conversations that brought tangible relief. I always knew she was there to support me; she really helped me feel better. We dealt with many of my life situations that seemed like dead ends, and were able to find ways out. This is how I realized that there are no unsolvable problems.

In the process of further work, I watched, as if from the outside, as my thoughts were structured, tension went away, anxiety dissipated. Gradually, thanks to Ekaterina, I acquired many useful skills. For example, I learned how to manage my time, how to communicate my thoughts and wishes to others, how to monitor what is happening to me. Now I know how to control my body, I remember to take time for myself and keep a diary, I know how to breathe properly. I learned even more about myself by identifying my personal values which was a very exciting process. Until then, I didn't even know what my values were. Now I have points of reference, benchmarks, goals, and plans."

And finally, at some point, I noticed that the anxiety was gone. There were new feelings: peace, gratitude, harmony. I became more careful and attentive to myself. I became more aware of living my life. It turned out that now I could trust myself, make decisions, and not regret my choice. I stopped fussing, demanding from myself and others to conform to my ideas; I stopped worrying about everything. There is more warmth, understanding, and support in my family. I realized how much I love them all and how much they support me. Disappointment in life was replaced by confidence that we always have a lot of opportunities. The main thing is to see them and choose the right one for you.

To sum things up, I can say that consulting a psychologist helped me not only to get out of a crisis, but also brought me to a new level of life. My views on myself, life, the world and other people have been transformed. Ekaterina shared so much useful information with me that it is simply invaluable. All our communication, as well as the materials she recommended to me, is an unforgettable all-round enriching experience. It broadened my horizons, showed me that you can look at things from different angles, and that you can think differently. I think it will still bear fruit in the future. Yes, I still live in a village and I don't have a job, but I have a starting point from which I can start moving towards my goals.

I would say one thing to people who are going through difficult times, who are not being able to cope with their problems on their own. I would say that no matter how hopeless everything seems, you should make an effort and seek qualified help. Have patience and trust a professional. Someone like Ekaterina.

Ekaterina has a lot of experience and is truly engaged in her work. I am sure that this is her calling. She is a sensitive, intelligent, empathetic and friendly person. You can trust her.