Before meeting Catherine I actually did try "psychotherapy" more than once; what I never had experienced, though, was working with a psychologist I could fully trust. Therefore, sooner or later I just ended up quitting, and a couple of times I even had to literally run away from the so-called "specialists". I have encountered psychologists who were tyrants and psychologists who liked to experiment. I met psychologists who actually started as patients some time ago, and then ended up working as psychs, counseling other people, but, sadly, lacking real professionalism and emotional maturity. Finding a therapist who had deep professional knowledge of the subject combined with a lot of experience, wisdom, compassion for others, tactfulness, and a sophisticated sense of humor (not to be confused with sarcasm!) - wow, I never even dreamed of getting so lucky! But miracles do happen, and for me, meeting Catherine was such a miracle! I have been working with her for two years, and these two years have changed me more than I can appreciate. For many months now, I have been observing and registering these changes: some big and some small; some of them happened early, and others took longer... All of those changes, though, are very important, because they make up my ordinary, but oh so beautiful life!

I decided to try psychological counseling after I broke up and moved away from my boyfriend with whom we had lived together for more than eight years. When I was imagining how wonderful my life would be after our break up, I saw a beautiful “slideshow”: I was super productive and happy, exercising, reading books, meditating...
Staying busy as a bee! It did not occur to me then that all those wonderful things were missing (actually, my whole life was not exactly what I wanted) due to some deep, internal reasons. That had nothing to do with my boyfriend. It was not his fault. Exhausted by constant fighting, unwilling to listen and unable to hear each other, tired from nagging and lack of intimacy, by the end of our relationship we almost hated each other. My explanation of all my troubles and problems was that I just was not lucky and met the wrong guy. I was in no hurry to grow up, put on my big girl pants, and take full responsibility for my decisions.
It was so convenient, and most importantly - I did not have to do anything! As for my low self-esteem and disappointment, I could always make myself feel better by telling myself that people around me were jerks, morons and idiots. But I am not like them, oh no - I am Miss Goody two-shoes, perfect and flawless.

But during the very first month of being independent (which I was so looking forward to!), it turned out that the freedom I wanted so much was not so great, and it was actually very similar to loneliness. When setting up my new cozy apartment which I rented I did not feel the joy from the changes in my life. On the one hand, I realized that I made the right decision, but on the other hand, I didn't know where I was heading in this new reality, and how to even get started... "Where are we going, Pooh?”
It felt like my body existed separately from my mind: two entities, connected by a string, floating side by side, but not becoming one. And yet, I was not aware at that time that I was in crisis and needed help. Instead of taking some time to just be with myself and honestly admitting that the breakup with such an important person in my life was a huge loss, instead of giving myself some time to reflect on what had happened, I started searching for new love adventures. And where would a big city dweller look for those? Enter the dating apps! I was getting all those “likes”, which was making me feel more and more confident. I was feeling beautiful and desirable, thinking that it was high time for me to make up for all those years of the boring relationship with my ex... I was telling myself that "the best was yet to come". However, the deeper I was getting sucked into the swamp of endless correspondence with some strangers, the more my anxiety grew. Deep down I felt that going from one extreme to another was not for me. Deep down, I knew that I was putting myself in danger by going on dates with strangers I met online, by inviting some of them to my place (when I think about some of the situations that occurred during that period, I feel really scared. Some women end up paying for this type of carelessness - sometimes with their health, and sometimes even with their lives).

In the end, I listened to the voice of reason and decided to look for a psychologist. I should explain that I have been living in the US for many years, and it was important for me to find my kind of specialist - someone who would share a common cultural code with me, someone who would understand the fine cultural nuances. I typed "Russian psychologist abroad" into a search engine, and my attention was drawn to trevoga-stop.com (by that time, my anxiety was already escalating to panic attack episodes). I liked the way Catherine addressed potential clients: without condescension, but also without trying to be coy and cute, in an open and honest manner. Then I read several articles from her blog and appreciated both the content (which was well-organized and meaningful) and her presentation style, her rich vocabulary, and witty references to Russian proverbs and quotations. As a professional journalist, I really liked that. Right away I started picturing that person - someone I could really open up to. I also liked Catherine's face - intelligent, beautiful and calm. So I decided to contact her and arranged a video meeting.

During the first session, I told Catherine what problems were bothering me and what aspects of my life I would like to change for the better. I was rambling, feeling very emotional and confused; I felt that I was being carried away, like a boat in a storm, but Catherine was gently guiding me through our conversation, asking me relevant questions and helping me to stay on track. Then she described her methods of working with clients, explained the stages of therapy, and how often we would meet. When we scheduled our follow up appointment and said goodbye, I was relieved. I had yet to see how incredibly lucky I was, but my gut feeling was already telling me that I probably had finally met "my" psychologist.

Wow, I've written so much already! And if you have read this far, you obviously have a reason. You want to understand whether you should work with Catherine (I am absolutely sure that therapy is a type of collaboration, i.e. joint work for a common goal - your psychological and mental health). My answer is yes, don't waste precious time putting your life on hold. Give yourself a chance to live your life now, fully and meaningfully.

However, I must say that you will need to be ready for some hard and meticulous work in order to find out who you really are, to understand your actual motivations, values, and ambitions. You're going to have to admit some unpleasant things to yourself (I am telling you - some very unpleasant, even nasty things). You will have to struggle with the desire to stop therapy, you will feel annoyed by the therapist. You might be frustrated because, at some point, you might feel that suddenly "she" stopped understanding you (when, in fact, you just may be not on the same page - not yet). Or maybe it was just me - although I honestly doubt that I'm that special. Yes, it will be scary and hard, and sickening, and sad at times. But, little by little, the confusion, fear, pain, and disappointment will be replaced with peace, clarity, and confidence.

During these two years of therapy, I was at times so furious during our sessions - it's a true miracle that I didn't just explode from that hidden resentments against my parents and my ex, from being angry at my colleagues, at some random strangers and, first and foremost, at myself. And yet, it turned out that somewhere deep inside me there was a kind and intelligent person. That person was there all that time, dreaming about being found one day. I remember once complaining that I didn't love myself, and Catherine smiled and said: "How can you love someone you don't know?" The meaning of this question became clear to me much later, when I finally found the real me - the person I now love and take care of, the best I can. It turned out that I am actually a very loving and compassionate person. And all of these beautiful things - support, care, comfort in times of challenge or sadness - are always available to me because they are a part of me. I stopped working myself to death like I used to (because I was afraid to run out of money). I've learned to save money when possible, and I stopped spending my hard earned cash on meaningless purchases. Yes, I still get to the edge of burnout sometimes, but my defense mechanisms are strong now, so when I find myself in hot water, I start prioritizing rest, even if it means that I won’t get paid for some time. And, thank God, I make enough money. It's also been a long time since I've been on a date, and at the moment I am not interested in dating. Not because I'm a confirmed bachelorette, or because I believe that all men are jerks. On the contrary, I'm convinced that there are plenty of good men out there. It's just that at this stage I'm still discovering aspects of me that I didn't know before therapy, or maybe I was just not paying attention to them. I'm working on figuring this out, and it's such a wonderful and joyful experience that I just don't want to rush things. My emotional age now is much closer to my actual “physical” age, and that's great! I am no longer a woman stuck in adolescent maximalism. I am a grown up now, and my preferences in choosing a potential boyfriend have changed as well.

There is this expression: “beside oneself.” That usually means that a person is losing it, being overcome with some strong emotion - joy, anger, grief. But think about how scary it is to be beside oneself. Who will look after your “inner temple” while you beside yourself? I sincerely wish for all of us to always stay “with ourselves”. And also, if you need to find the way to your true self, I cannot recommend a better guide than Catherine. I am sure that if I had not met such an amazing psychologist - sensitive, wise and extremely tactful - my life would not have been so happy. And most importantly, it would not have been truly my life. Good luck!

P.S. Make sure to do the tasks that Catherine will give you! These tasks are crucial, they are important steps to some wonderful changes, many of which are not obvious at first, but will definitely manifest themselves when the time comes.